A List of Knightly Complaints
by artypendragon
Summary: addressed to the King and his Sorcerer. From his knights, who are all thoroughly fed up of the King and his Sorcerer's public and oft indecent displays of affection (I'm not fed up) ([nor me]) fine, from his knights, some of whom (that's better) are thoroughly fed up. Link to better formatted version inside!


I promise you the formatting is 1000 times better on the AO3 version, with strikethroughs that make more sense and everything, here: archiveofourown dot org / works / 14498871

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1\. Sir Bedivere wishes the King and his sorcerer _Sorcerer has a capital S_ **the King'll slaughter us all if we don't use it** this is my complaint point, fuck off, you two. It's not as if he's going to _see_ this list, is it? Sir Bedivere wishes the King and his Sorcerer would not moon over each other at the training grounds so often, or for so long—the knights do need their King's guidance and we don't often get to drill under him these days **Bedivere also wishes the King and his Sorcerer would drill _him._ Too bad ;)** BORS

2\. Sir Gare Kay, ha, would like for King Arthur and Merlin to wear matching garb more frequently **goodness, you're boring** seeing as the two sides of a coin belong to, obviously, the same coin. Have you ever come across a coin that's purple one side and red the other, by the way? What metals would it be made of? _I'll just relieve you of your quill, shall I_

3\. Sir Gareth respectfully asks that the King and his Sorcerer close the door to their bedchamber; the guards positioned outside almost always get an earful every night and by now the entire castle is painfully cognisant of, erm, **who takes it up the arse** dammit Gwaine **you were blushing too hard to write!** **I did you a favour, you ungrateful—**

4\. Sir Percival hopes that the King and his Sorcerer shall stay exactly the way they are. _Boooooo_ They're perfectly suited to each other and their behaviour is far less scandalous than we're making it out to be. The knights are just really, really bored **_Percy why did you even bother? Go puff up your muscles even more_** In light of #7 I revise my complaint note to say that you are being exactly as scandalous as we're making you out to be… but don't change, anyway

5\. Sir Bors **motherfucker** Sir Bors who does not have it off with his mum would kindly like to ask the King and his Sorcerer to put Sir Bedivere out of his misery and — _Sir Bors is stripped of his writing privileges forthwith. Signed, Bedivere, Knight of Camelot_

6\. Sir Elyan is being forced to give his opinion and shall use this chance to request that the King replenish Camelot's stores of iron (Gwen didn't want to inform you about the shortage, it's not urgent, and you seem very busy ruling the kingdom and fucking Merlin, so). **He's not going to see this, Elyan** oh. Shame. In that case, Sir Elyan uses this chance to inform the King that we've all seen you and Merlin snogging at the top of the North Tower. People in Mercia and Meredor have seen you snogging at the top of the North Tower. Merlin's _mum_ has seen—

7\. Sir Lucan enthusiastically begs the King to stop hiding Merlin under the table during council. Everyone notices his absence at your shoulder. Everyone knows **what?** Blowjobs. **What?** _Blowjobs, Perce._ **…erm** _(Arthur) 8==D O: (Merlin)_ **OH GOD, GWAINE**

8\. Sir Lancelot hereby washes his hands of all responsibility for this complaint letter as he would like to be able to meet Guinevere without his back in shreds from a public lashing **really, what is the point of you** the point of me, Gareth, is that I don't have a death wish **you're a knight of Camelot** I don't have an irrational death wish **you smile more than thrice a day at Merlin** Arthur's jealousy is his own fault, not mine **you** Gareth, just… shut up and polish your sword before I break it into pieces

9\. Sir Caradoc would like very much to say that the King and his Sorcerer make a striking pair and it would be lovely if they would perhaps use the Court Sorcerer's powers to stop time and do all the fucking they want before spending the rest of the day productively. No one annotated mine? :( **we all hate you** _no, we don't, we just agree wholly with you_

10\. Sir Galahad humbly requests that the King and his Sorcerer drink a little less wine at feasts. None of us has yet had the courage to tell you **well don't have it now!** They're going to find out someday. Might as well be now. Come on, you lot. _Arthur's not going to see this!_ None of us (including all the servants and everyone, even Guinevere) **_leave Gwen out of this_** all for one and one for all has yet had the courage to tell you both that during the Queen Mithian's last state visit to Camelot, the two of you got utterly pissed and you, sire, pulled Merlin into your lap and kissed him silly in front of the Queen and all her entourage. **You might as well write the full story, Gal; in for a copper coin, in for a gold** You may also have wanked Merlin off not very secretly under the table towards the end of the banquet **_think he might start the executions with you_** anyone want to band together as knights errant _coward_

11\. Sir Leon shall only ask Merlin not to curse his **_sublime_** chest hair to read "tosser" again **ha, that was a good one. Didn't wear off for weeks** _poor Leon couldn't indulge in his favourite hobby_ **_which one_** _taking his tunic off to flash the Lady Morgana_ ; Leon has no romantic interest in the King, as Elyan just delineated. Bedivere is a far more risible, apt target **_how could you do this to me_**

12\. Sir Gwaine disagrees with all these knobheads and would like to ask Arthur and Merls never to stop their filthy, obscene dogging. You both are the sole entertainment these days in my sad, gloomy life _just say you don't have time to go to the knocking shop_ fuck off, Kay. And the things you two get up to, they're hot as hell, no doubt, and Merls, I know Arthur's a fussy prude but if you're ever up for a ménage à trois, you know where to find me **sorry, Gareth, you said _I_ had a death wish?** _Lance, I was unbelievably wrong._

13\. Lady Morgana for her lover's sake would like to interrupt **but you're not here, how are you writing this** I have magic, idiot. I would also like to request that the knights cease writing and exit the tavern immediately. _Why?_ Merlin's been scrying **_what's that_** Merlin's been reading over your shoulder ever since you lot began, and Arthur's on his way to **RUUUUUN**


End file.
